All my life I have thought of myself of a relatively brave person. Not scared to try new things, not afraid to jump off cliffs or act on a dare or an impulsive idea that in hindsight was just that.
Growing older however I do find that there are days that that bravery or perhaps stupidity which was just camouflaged as bravery, there are days now that I cannot find that bravery on my person. Has it disappeared? Have I lost it along the way? Did it ever exist?
Do we bluff ourselves into being brave when we are younger? Was it just peer pressure that egged us on or were we really brave and impulsive? I would like to think my bravery and impulsiveness was all me. Suddenly I am not so sure. What happened in between then and now? Why am I robbed of my confidence and having to learn new ways of coping? Nowadays the new saying is ‘put on your big girl panties’ and get a grip!
Well, what if the big girl panties are failing me? Letting me down? What do I do then? Do I hide under the bed until the moment passes or do I once again like when I was younger bluff my way through life? Pulling up the big girl panties and meeting challenges head on works well for some and not so well for others. Sometimes the elastic on those panties are frazzled and you are going through your day with one hand hanging on to them so as not to lose them completely.
Other days you’ll find that the elastic is too tight, bringing it’s own stresses with that. Because sometimes wearing the ‘big girl panties’ can overwhelm you as one cannot always be in control. One has to learn to pick your battles and the panties that go with them.
I find that currently mine are frazzled like hell and I am barely able to hold them up whilst taking on my daily chores and battles. As if life is not hard enough without trying to hold on to a pair of bloomers while you are trying to live it and make sense of it.
Why do we find it so hard to stand up for ourselves and our dreams and ideas? Why do we doubt ourselves so much that sometimes you just cannot continue on your path for the thorns of doubt you have sowed yourself? Whenever I wasn’t sure of something I have done or made my mother in law used to tell me to stop worrying as other people didn’t know it wasn’t supposed to look like that. It was just in my head that it was wrong. But tell the truth, although I firmly believe in her words at age 40 I still struggle to apply it.
So what to do? Let go of the elastic and let it puddle around your feet exposing your vulnerable self to the world? Exchange them for the tightfitting pair that cuts off your blood flow or keep on trying new pairs/personas until you find the perfect fit? Well I suppose that is an option but what if? What if I just choose to chuck them away and stand on my own two feet? What if I decide that I don’t need those damn panties to help me conquer my world? What if I do and I succeed at it?
I might just try it at that….and get back to you when I know whether it worked or not. Whether I am back to struggling to keep the elastic around my waist dealing with life, the cutting pair or whether I am doing my thing on my own, no elastic holding me back.
Till next time