“Mann Tracht, Un Gott Lacht” Yiddish adage meaning Man plans and God laughs by Rachelle

Today marks the 2 month Sadiversary of your death. The first time I have actually written that – like that.
I have been wondering about this week’s edition of this blog, it’s a sad time. A hard, sad time. It’s becoming more real every day. I look at the wall, at the pictures and I know, that is all I am going to have for always after…

Then, as always, God stepped in…
I belong to a few Facebook pages for people who have experienced loss and who lives with the sad and lonely of the aftermath. I find it comforting to think that I am really not alone with these feelings. That the hurt and the emptiness is part of the package and the price I pay for the love I have had, the joy we shared and the forever after I planned.

I have had a rough morning – I have been looking for the inspiration, the “thing” I always get, every day, that pulls me through, that gives me the smile (even if it is sometimes just painted) to get through the next 24 hours. Nothing jumped at me.

I did my Bible Study – nothing. I read Facebook (to make sure everyone woke up ) – nothing. Whatsapp – nada. So I took my Urbanol, put on my big girl panties and got to work. I have been cleaning, re-organising, filing – all the things I do to keep busy when I need to be.

Then came lunchtime. I never take lunch. Just a quick bite at the desk with the bank statements and recons and whatever else…. But not today.

Today I had to look at Facebook – those elusive friends in the ether, most of whom I will never meet.
And there it was….

On my Widows and Widowers Facebook page:
“I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you – and then I realized, you spent the rest of your life with me…”

How profound is that! Today I had to see that.

You did just that. You spent every moment God granted you, with me. I am so blessed. Sad – because there could have been more, but so very blessed. You spent the rest of your life with me.
Thank you. Thank you for being a best friend, a husband, a wonderful dad, a guide, a pillar and the stabilizing force, because you were a force. There is no other word to describe the human you were. You never left anyone wondering if you were somewhere, did something, met someone or meant a whole damn lot.

You were loved and just a little feared. You were obnoxious when you needed to be, loud and abrasive, but no-one ever, ever wondered about your loyalty, your love and your commitment to whatever it was you decided to do or those you loved. You were fearless, relentless and a force. My force.

The children miss you. Jaco is acting all tough and macho, but I know he hurts. We cry when we talk about you. That’s good. I need him to show his sadness and his pain.

Corlé still locks herself away. She is a sensitive soul and that dam will break. It’s just a matter of time.
Jeanne has her family, a strong husband and loving children. She is coping, it’s hard, but you did not raise sissies.

Me… I am! I am grateful every day that I had the joy of you. I miss you and I will keep on missing you. It is difficult not to miss you, my big, strong teddy-bear.


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