So today is the one month anniversary of the death of my Beloved.
I have been through more Urbanol today than in all the days preceding and I am not even scared to say it. I am a wreck.
There are those in the know, however, who seems to feel that my “little situation” is now dragging on and should be addressed. I am too weepy, too emotional and far too “absent” for my own good. Time to make some changes.
My question here is, how you change the now. How to do you fix the hole, or fill it. How do you get past the gaping chasm that is death and loss?
In my case I have my children. Two in the house. Adults with their own lives, but always there when I need them (or the wine glass refilled…) I also have a married daughter who lives around the corner with her awesome husband and two very beautiful children. These three (four… five … six…,) are strong humans who carry me when I feel that life gets too much. I am truly blessed to have them, three pieces of a wonderful human being, left behind to love me.
But, and there is this huge but … sometimes I just want to run away. Just get in my car and drive. Where, I don’t know. How far … as far as the petrol in the tank takes me. Just away. Far, far away where there is quiet, peace, tranquility … nothing. Nobody to check on me, nobody to ask me how I am, nobody who knows that my life has irrevocably changed. Nothing but air and sea and wind and tears and hate and frustration and, eventually, I hope, healing and acceptance. Is that too much to ask?
O!, and my crochet.
The one stable thing in my life. I am stitching my life back together, I hope, one chain at a time. There are patterns for “I need to forget” days, there are patterns for “I just need to get through the next hour” days and there are patterns for “I can cry while I do this” days. A pattern for each eventuality, and more yarn that I can use in a lifetime.
So, if I can get in my car, load up the boot with wool and patterns, put enough fuel in the tank to take me anywhere, will I be happy?
I really don’t think that is all there is to it. I believe, strongly, after a test period of one month that the worst is yet to come. I believe that I will miss him more, I will crochet more, I will cry more, I will hate and scream more. I will question God’s motives more and I will want to run away more. I need to find that nice middle of the road “fake it till you make it.” How, I really don’t know yet.
These are untested waters. I have never sailed here before. It is scary. Some days are full of sharks, gale force winds and other scary stuff that wants to overturn my very carefully built boat. Other days the sun shines, the birds chirp and the waters are calm, and I crochet… I make pretty things which I keep around to make me happy, I pull out what didn’t work or I chuck in the bin what I hate. A metaphor for my life, I guess.
So to those who think that I should “get over myself, be positive and look ahead,” I say, do it if it works for you. Right now I want to cry and I need to crochet, I want to be happy and I want to crochet, I want to be angry and I have to crochet – it keeps those around me seems who know everything, alive.
If crochet is the only thing that gets me from one day to the next, leave me be, I will “get myself together” when I am good and ready.
PS. I have wonderful people in my life … you shine like stars in my dark nights. You pick me up and dust me off. You put a daisy behind my ear and kiss my cheek. You delight me daily. Thank you.
Off to the next thing …. I think I might need some cheese with this whine Antoinette!!
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