It hurts – by Rachelle from How To Widow
It really hurts like a bitch.
Today one week ago I sent my beautiful man off in a coffin to be cremated. My friend, my soulmate, my lover, the father of my beautiful children. My sparring partner, my drinking partner, my giggling partner (the naughtiest giggle ever). My confidant. My life.
Yes, I sound teary because I feel teary, and that is OK. I have made peace with pissing through my eyes at the drop of a hat. I have made peace with feeling empty and alone and just kak. I have made peace with not feeling at all.
Johan was a human like no other. Compassionate, loving and caring. Hard-arsed, full of crap and tough when it was needed. Unbelievably fair and forgiving. A bastard when it was called for. But always, always there. When his number was called, it was answered. When his button was pushed, he sprang into action. No questions asked. No holds barred. Always there. That I will miss. The “hello” at the end of the line. I hear it…
2018 has changed me irrevocably. It has taught me so much. Perseverance, belief and most of all, unconditional love. I thought I knew what that meant. I really did not.
I have to love him enough to let him go. Ya right. Do we even know what that means? I sure as hell don’t. Not that I have a choice. He is very gone, but letting him go is far more difficult.
To let go will take a long time. To believe that I can live without his very big presence, even longer. Johan was here. He made his presence known to everyone who came into contact with him. He was larger than life, larger than the growth on his spine, larger than the operations, larger than the recovery, or so I thought.
Now, my darling man is RSM to the Angels.
Now it’s me, alone. I don’t know how yet. I just have now clue of where to start. Getting up in the morning is a good start. Not wanting to shut myself away in a dark room, that is good I believe. Not drinking till I pass out, that is also good. Not drinking all the pills on the night stand, that is good too. The ache will eventually go, I was told. I don’t know. I believe just showing up, for now, is a good start. I will keep showing up.
I salute you my Johannie.
You taught me so much about myself. You taught me that, without a personality I might as well crawl into a corner and die. “Get a personality Rachelle, otherwise people will walk all over you. Be who your heart tells you to be.” So I became full of shit and grew a pair. That suited him just fine.
You taught me to forgive myself when I stuff up. “If you cannot eat it or f@ck it, piss on it and walk away.” Yip, that I learnt quickly. Let stuff go. It’s not worth the pain or agony. If it doesn’t serve you …. Piss on it and walk away.
You taught me to love. To love with all my heart. To feel the love. To love you and my three beauties without reservation. That is why I have to pay the price of love today. This pain is the price I pay for that love.
Now my lovelies, it is time to put on my big girl panties, face life head-on and make him proud of the woman who “grew up” next to him. The phenomenal woman I know I am – deep inside – where he planted that seed.
Now I march on. Mrs. RSM reporting for duty.
I will always love you. Always. (And now I am dripping again..)
I salute the wonderful Tribe God gave me to help me get up and keep going. Mamma – Helena de Kock, Karolien de Kock a sister from another mother and the woman who keeps me straight – Antoinette Bruce-Alexander. My daughters Jeanne Beeslaar and Corle Potgieter and my sons, Jaco Potgieter, Johan Beeslaar and Alexander McLean. I have people. I am grateful.
Our extended families, the Army, the Church and all the other rascals, I love you each and every one.
Now, chapter 2. How on earth that will unfold, only time will tell.