It’s me, Not YOU!
It’s me, not you
2020 having been one crazy ass of a year has certainly had an effect on everyone and their dog. I know it changed me. In many small ways that is not always noticeable unless you’ve known me for many many years. Truth is this year has been overwhelmingly hard at times. Lots of changes, excruciatingly uncertain, painful for some having been displaced, cut off from family or having lost someone close to them.
Entering into the last quarter of this year with lockdown behind us and borders still closed for those of us marooned on this rock in the middle of the ocean which we call home I have developed a definite need to take a sort of personal sabbatical.
It having been a super tough year all around and although I want to agree with friends, family and acquaintances that it’s been a (excuse the french) KAK year, I also want to disagree because despite all the drama and trauma I do have some happy memories of this past year. I will in no way allow the bad of this past year to triumph over the good. My biggest win for this year is the fact that I have both my kids home for Christmas which had Covid not happened might not have been the case. I am so so blessed and super grateful even though hubby won’t be home until after Christmas I’m happy not to be alone.
I mean lock-down was hard but we made through with many lessons learned even though it was only about how much toilet-paper we really needed during a pandemic. It brought families closer in some ways. It taught us more self-reliance and we learned to support one another from afar. We got to see some amazing things go viral on the internet, libraries, theaters, museums and more sharing incredible resources. Stuff that many people never might have seen in their lifespan. We baked, we cooked, we exercised (sporadically ;p), we read more, we talked more, we stood still for a moment in time and really noticed the people around us. Well, speaking for myself but I am sure plenty of you can relate.
This year has changed me in a way that is hard to explain. I’ve retreated into myself mostly, retrospective, nostalgic, questioning, trying hard to be more present in the moment. Trying to be more accepting of my situation, of who I am, what I am doing etc. Trying to get my joy back, my mojo,my zen, trying to laugh more, to be more happy, less complaining, less judgemental. Long beach walks, audio books on a multitude of topics ranging from gratitude affirmations and more. Trying to not worry to much about the future because to be honest, with all the mayhem and uncertainty how can one plan ahead not knowing what tomorrow will bring?
Having said that, perhaps herein lies the ultimate message; don’t worry about tomorrow, live for today because tomorrow will bring its own worries, you cannot do anything about it today. I’m not saying don’t plan at all, I’m just saying perhaps we’ve had to step back and realize that the future is not entirely in our hands. Maybe we had to learn to stop and smell the roses. I’ve always done that but I’ve always felt guilty doing it because society doesn’t deem that doing something productive. This year has changed that for me. I will damn well stop and smell the roses and I’ll even share it with you at times. Don’t like it? Then scroll past or find another page to follow. I’m not going to apologize for who I am. Neither should you.
This year, well specifically the last few months I’ve been retreating, meditating more, trying to get my zen back. I feel a constant guilt for offending people by not visiting, not accepting invites, not being communicative much, hiding in my safe place, taking that sabbatical I’ve mentioned. I feel like I owe apologies all around but then also feel if I don’t have the right to do this for myself how will I ever heal from the effects of 2020. Because of that, in lieu of an apology I just want to say……It’s NOT YOU, It’s ME!
This has never been about you. It’s about me. It’s about living in an awesome, amazing world, on a beautiful island but at the same time also living in a scary world. One that we don’t know anymore. It’s about me finding my inner peace once more after experiencing an extremely disconcerting year, one during which bad news, conspiracy theories and more abounded. I find I avoid the news, I avoid big groups of people. I search for feel good stories, I read motivational books and I am working on the belief that 2021 will be a better year for everyone! Covid19 will still be with us, borders might still be closed but perhaps now we are better prepared to cope and to stand upright.
It’s never been about you. It’s been all about me, not wanting to rub off my fears and anxiety on you. Often I’ve just hidden them too well to be seen. It’s been about me finding my equilibrium again so I can once more be strong for friends and family and anyone else that crosses my path. So don’t take offence if you don’t see me or don’t hear from me. Send some love my way, I’ll do the same. Know that I will be back at some point, stronger than ever and ready as can be.
It’s been a hard Christmas and it will most probably be an even harder Christmas for many. Instead of joining our new found friends for Christmas this year the children and I have elected to spend it alone as hubby will only be home by the 27th. It is a time of restoration and hope. I ask that even if you are spending it alone that you will reach out to someone during this time. Don’t let this year and it’s happenings defeat you. Take a moment and list the good things this year has brought you. Forget about the bad. Cherish the good memories and banish the bad and if all else fails, practice gratitude and see the changes it will bring. Say thank you for everything, doesn’t matter how big or small. At some point you’ll feel the shift. I wish it for you!
On that note; From my house to yours, wishing you a wonderful festive period and a happy, prosperous new year!