Of Angelversaries and sadness…How to Widow – A guide to a new normal

Yesterday was Johan’s 6 month Angelversary. I was alone, but for the dog (he doesn’t know he’s a dog) and my crochet.

I went to Church in the morning, the sermon was about Lazarus – and there the dam wall started cracking. If God could do it for Lazarus …

Then on to a Black Label toast to a huge man at a quaint little pub, barely 11am, but I needed to do that, for him and for me. I got looks, don’t make a mistake, but I cried my way through and had the beer.

On to the shops for a quick milk and bread stop, and home… the whole day home, and alone, with my dog who does not know he’s a dog.

I washed, scrubbed, cried and did the dishes. Mundane, every-day stuff that needs to be done. Through it all, I noticed the rainbow.

The rainbow when I went to Church in the morning. Just hanging there, and I knew, somewhere deep inside I knew it was not just a natural phenomenon. It was not just a trick of the light.

I found my obligatory – “I am here” – 10c coin at the shops, and I knew.

Then the feather in the kitchen, he is quite a show-off. He drops his feathers everywhere.

And that rainbow. That beautiful, big, bright rainbow stayed all day. 8pm last night was the last time I saw it. It had been hanging over me all day, reminding me that I really am not alone. I am loved and cared for and he knows that I am sad, but he is here. A little busy learning to fly and all that, crash landed a few times if the feathers are anything to go by, but he is here.

For the first time in many months I went to bed, closed my eyes and slept without weeping or getting that rock hard knot in my stomach. I did not feel lost. I felt love and contentment. I looked up into his beautiful face and I knew, this love is just as real as it has ever been. It is just as solid as the last 32 years and it is just as comforting and warm. I am loved because he is still here.

Dankie vir die reënboog my liefie. I needed that so much.

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